Polygamy … and one woman’s account of it

With polygamy being in the news so much lately, I have been reading and watching a lot about it. Until recently, polygamy was something that I put “on the shelf,” way in the back where I wouldn’t have to look at it. I grew up believing that is was a dormant doctrine, something that I might very well have to accept someday. I now lean toward believing that it was not inspired the way that Joseph Smith lived and presented it, and that even if it is sanctioned by God in some instances (I don’t claim to know that one way or the other), it is totally optional. I believe that people who choose to live it should be consenting adults, and should never be coerced. I think it is generally an unhealthy lifestyle for most people, although there may be exceptions.

That being said, lately I am fascinated with accounts of people who have lived polygamy. Reading some of the stories is a little like watching an accident scene–you know it’s going to be bad, but you just can’t turn away. After putting polygamy on the shelf so long, I’m taking it out to look, smell, and examine. But never to actually try (is that taking the metaphor too far??)  I just finished this book, His Favorite Wife by Susan Ray Schmidt, a few days ago:

She was a member of an LDS fundamentalist group called the Church of the Firstborn of the Fullness of Times, located in Mexico and led by members of the LeBaron family, one of whom she married when she was 15, becoming his seventh wife. The church itself has quite a sad story, with one of the LeBaron brothers breaking away from the main body and ordering his followers to kill (“blood atone”) his brother, the church’s prophet, along with several other leaders who disagreed with his doctrine. Fanaticism at its worst.

The main focus of the book, however, is on Susan’s life as a polygamist wife. Luckily she was not married to the violent LeBaron brother, or the prophet who was killed. She narrowly escaped marrying the renegade brother, but married another LeBaron brother instead. She did love her husband, who was 30 years her senior, and at the time wanted to marry him. But as the years went on, she became progressively more disillusioned with polygamy. Her husband was so driven in his dedication to the church, and in his pursual of more and more wives, that he simply could not give his families the attention or financial support that they needed. They lived in total squalor at times, and always in poverty.

The book examines the emotional ups and downs (more downs than ups) of Susan’s relationships with her husband and her sister-wives, including the jealousies that inevitably occurred. She eventually escaped her polygamous life, bringing her children to the states with her when she was in her early to mid-twenties.

Reading this book helped me understand how different some of the fundamentalist sects are. In this sect, women were entitled to have revelation and choose their own husband, with arranged marriages being more the exception than the rule. They wore modern clothes and makeup, not the pioneer dress typical of FLDS. Most members didn’t wear garments, although Susan’s husband did. The group is extant still today, although many members left in the years following the murder of their prophet, Joel. The doctrine taught that Joel was supposed to live to see them through to the second coming, and when it didn’t happen many people became disillusioned.

A very interesting read. I’m now waiting for Carolyn Jessup’s Escape to come available at my local library–there are a lot of people on the hold list before me, so I guess I’m not the only one with fixated on polygamy accounts right now!

How to tell Family…

For now, I have decided to be somewhat of a cafeteria Mormon. I am allowing myself take all of the things and teachings that I love, and to partake of them, while leaving undesirable things at the buffet table. My faith and hope in God, and my desire to participate in the community, are important to me. I choose to be a part of it, and to share my more unorthodox beliefs somewhat rarely and selectively with TBMs. I don’t have the desire to broadcast or make an issue of my disagreements and struggles with some church teachings. I choose to believe in God, and the LDS version is the one I know best and am most comfortable with. I believe it is a net positive in my life, as John Dehlin would say.

Jack (DH), however, is choosing a somewhat different path. He chooses to distance himself from the church and be less active, as he feels his time is better spent elsewhere and he is not particularly attached to the community. However, he, too, does not wish to broadcast his disaffection with his family or be on the offensive about it. He would rather they gradually become aware that his activity level has changed, and if they want to discuss church issues with him they are more than free to bring them up.

The only problem with this approach is that sometimes circumstances come up that may warrant an explanation. Jack was always a very active, very devout “Peter Priesthood” if you will. So standing outside at the temple, for example, at a sibling’s wedding, is going to make family members wonder. I personally would rather have them know that Jack struggles with doubts, than have them speculating that perhaps he has an immorality problem or something. At the same time, I don’t think we should have to air all of our concerns to the family.

Another problem I have is that while Jack is the one choosing to not participate, I am usually the one that gets asked the questions, and I don’t feel like his disaffection is really my story to tell. I talk to family members more often than he does, with the exception of his parents. They call about once a week to chat, and he has actually dropped a few rather large hints about his current feelings about the church, but they either haven’t picked up on them or they choose not to acknowledge them. They change the subject usually.

I guess I am worrying a little about a specific family event coming up. This summer our adoption of our youngest child should be finalized. We will not be doing a sealing as Jack does not have a recommend and does not plan to get one. Already relatives have asked about a sealing and so far I have been vague and then changed the subject. Both of our parents and siblings will be expecting a sealing and will be surprised that we’re not having one. So, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for questions I may get about it.

I’m going to try to type out a response that I might give to a parent or sibling when they ask me about the sealing. Ideally I wish I didn’t have to give any detail at all, but I feel that for some of these relationships, more is warranted than “We’re not going to have a sealing.” It will become the big elephant in the room if we don’t at least acknowledge it. And yes, I think it would be better coming from Jack than me, but I’m more likely to get the questions. And if I just tell them to ask him about it, they probably won’t. (Our families are very non-confrontational.) So that would cause more awkwardness. I feel that I need to be prepared to give at least a brief explanation, so that our family members will be more aware of our true situation. I think I will feel relieved to be able to be honest about it and have it more out in the open. Not too many details, but at least a general awareness, so that everyone can deal with it, move past it, grieve, ask Jack to give more detail, or whatever they need to do.

So pretend I’m on the phone with my sister, or sister in law and they ask when we’re going to have the sealing. “I don’t think we will be doing a sealing right now,” I will say. “It’s just, Jack hasn’t been as active in the church for the last little while. And I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. It’s not that he’s being lazy or sinful, but he has been struggling with belief for quite a while. As a scientist it’s always been hard for him to reconcile certain contradictions in his mind relating to religion. He’s done so much study and put so much thought into it, and he just looks at the world differently than he used to. He believes there is a lot of good in the church, but he doesn’t have the testimony of it that he used to, so he doesn’t feel comfortable answering the recommend questions.

“We’re doing well, though. It was hard for me at first when he told me about his doubts, but over time we’ve both come to terms with our differences in religious belief and practice. He is supportive of me, and I of him. He doesn’t want to be confrontational or try to convince everyone else to see things the way he does. I know it will be hard for some family members, and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he is just seeking truth in the way that comes most naturally to him, and being honest about how he feels.”

Too much? I know conversations have a way of steering themselves, so who knows what I will actually end up saying. I just like to be prepared. I hate that this has to cause awkwardness or pain. I hope when things play out, they will play out more smoothly than I imagine!

Visiting Teaching

While visiting teaching earlier this week, I was reminded of just how much my views have changed in the last six months or so. I found a story in the back of the Ensign to use as my message, about a woman who felt lonely on Easter and so decided to make and deliver meals to some homeless people that she saw every day around the subway station. It talked about one homeless man in particular who seemed in dire straits and who was very grateful for the food. It talked about the scripture “Are we not all beggars?” from King Benjamen’s address, which I’ve always liked but haven’t read for a while.

Anyway, after I gave the message, my friend who we were visiting said that she has a hard time relating to God as a loving father, since she has never had a good relationship with her own father. She pictures God as keeping a big list of everything she does wrong, and a tiny little list of the good things that she has done right. I know this woman pretty well, and she is very literal in her LDS beliefs. She is very afraid she’s not going to “make it” to the Celestial Kingdom. I think she has a lot of emotional baggage related to her childhood that contributes to her fears. It makes me sad that for some people, the gospel in some ways adds a burden to them. I don’t think anyone should have to live their life every day afraid that they are just not good enough for the God they believe in.

My companion then spoke up and said that the people she doesn’t think will make it are the LDS members who do everything they are supposed to do, but are self-righteous and prideful because they think they are better than everyone else.

I just kept thinking, is this how I used to think? I didn’t say half of what I was thinking at the moment, but I told them I thought that both my friend, and many of the now self-righteous people my companion mentioned, would be in the CK. I said that I feel that grace plays a much bigger role than we often allow it to, and that it’s more a sense of where our heart is, than a big checklist of things to do or be.

Inside I was thinking, is this really what the church is teaching us? That someone heaven is made up of only LDS people who somehow fit the magic criteria? It’s like we’re living in this little bubble and we think that the LDS world really is the entire world, or the only part of it that matters. I don’t think that way anymore. The percentage of people who will ever even hear about the church is so tiny. It just doesn’t make sense that it is God’s one and only true way to salvation.

Wow, I sound like a NOM.

Where I am Now

This post is an excerpt of an email I wrote to a friend today, edited slightly for relevance purposes. It discusses some of my current thoughts and feelings about the church:

In some ways, I want to take a break from church-related things because it is such a source of stress in my mind. I still attend regularly, as I have a lot of social/emotional ties to the church, a calling playing piano, and I think Primary is overall a good thing for my daughter who is old enough to go. But I have not kept up with scripture study or temple attendance for many months now. I read a lot of things I consider to be uplifting, and I still pray, although it’s a little different these days.

I feel a very deeply rooted need to believe that this life is not all there is; that we humans matter and are eternal beings; that there is a God. For me, agnosticism is an empty choice. I like having the church as a groundwork in which I can teach my kids values and have a social network. My family and friends are, for the most part, LDS. Where my troubles creep in are with many of the teachings that I’m just not sure about anymore. I believe that Joseph Smith was sincere, although also flawed like everyone else. I think he made some big mistakes, and I think that we glorify him in the church sometimes to an unhealthy level. I believe that he had a transcendent experience, and was probably inspired. He did a lot of good. But I’m feeling more and more like we all have that same potential to be inspired, and I have doubts about our church necessarily being the one true path to God. I think all people can access God. I don’t understand why ordinances, and the “right” priesthood, matter so much. I think people who devote their time to great causes and love others are just as blessed and chosen as people in the church are.

I struggle in my mind with a lot of the cultural and some doctrinal issues, such as polygamy, race issues, gender issues, most of what is in the Old Testament, Pharisaical rules that seem to have no reason other than proving our faithfulness, the hammering in of obedience and following the prophet almost to the exclusion of critical thinking and asking questions, etc. (Wow, that sounds like a lot of issues doesn’t it??) It’s almost like a switch has been flipped in my brain and I just can’t turn it off. In many ways, it was so much easier to believe unquestioningly the way I once did. But no matter how much I pray for that, my questions remain. They aren’t questions that seem to have satisfactory answers.

I do think the church is well organized, and that ultimately we all have chances to help each other to learn and grow, and to encourage each other to live good values. I love the emphasis on family. I also agree that meeting together regularly helps to remind us of the good we should be doing. I believe that there is a spiritual realm.

I think we need to have a balance between logic and faith, not one to the exclusion of the other. I struggle because what if the thing you are supposed to have faith in is contradicted by your honest, logical (not preconceived) conclusion based on study and observation? I think that causes a lot of mental and spiritual anguish for some people (such as Jack). I don’t like that a lot of LDS people seem to think that atheists do not have morals. I think we are quick to try and offer people to learn from the truth that we have, but slow to try and learn from what other people have to offer. 

For some people, faith is not a matter of choice. They believe, or they don’t, and it would be extremely difficult if not impossible for them to change their viewpoint. For others, faith is somewhat a matter of choice. Barak Obama gave what I think is a wonderful speech about his faith, and faith in politics, several months back. He grew up skeptical of organized religion, but eventually he did join a church. He said that he felt inspired and although he did not have a earth-shattering spiritual experience, he made a conscious choice that faith was a good thing, and that he felt God calling him to be a part of it. I really liked what he had to say in this speech. If you’re interested, you can listen to it here:

http://www.barackobama.com/tv/speeches.php

You have to scroll down to the speech called “Call to Renewal Speech”.

I feel in some ways that’s how my faith has changed. I am making a conscious choice to stay involved in the church and to try to keep connecting with God, not because I “know” that it is true, but because I see it as a net positive in my life, because it has helped me feel a connection with God and with other people, and because a lot of the other reasons I mentioned above. I am allowing myself more leeway to not always interpret things so literally, and to choose those doctrines that I will emphasize in my own life and with my kids.

I admire anyone who has the courage to look at their faith in a different way and to seek answers to hard questions. I know now how hard that can be! But testimonies that are struggled for are more valuable than those which have never been questioned. I’m still not sure where all of this is taking me, but if feels good to write out my thoughts. It helps me feel like it is ok not to know, but to continue living the best I can and learning as I go.

Here Goes…

I created this blog to motivate myself to write down my thoughts more often. I have a family blog, but I don’t feel comfortable airing my more personal thoughts to everyone that I know. Better to share those thoughts with strangers, right? Mostly this blog is just for me, and if I come across like-minded people along the way, so much the better.

I chose “A Bendy Road” for my theme because like anyone else, I have faced a lot of unexpected twists and turns in my life. One of the biggest bends I have faced in the last couple of years has been my husband’s (we’ll call him Jack) disaffection from the LDS church, the church of our heritage. It has been turbulent in a lot of ways, but has also helped me to broaden my view of the world, which has been positive. I am now facing a lot of my own doubts about the literal truthfulness of the church’s claims.

I have had very positive experiences with the church in my 30-ish years of life, and I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. But I do want to be honest with myself and allow myself to explore and decide for myself what I believe, and what I want to do about it. I am learning that the world is full of colors and all kinds of shades of gray. Now that I have seen that, I cannot go back to the simple, black and white view that is sometimes embraced in my very conservative, orthodox tradition. So I am something of a cafeteria Mormon these days, trying to partake of all the good things but leave the less desirable items behind.