This post is an excerpt of an email I wrote to a friend today, edited slightly for relevance purposes. It discusses some of my current thoughts and feelings about the church:
In some ways, I want to take a break from church-related things because it is such a source of stress in my mind. I still attend regularly, as I have a lot of social/emotional ties to the church, a calling playing piano, and I think Primary is overall a good thing for my daughter who is old enough to go. But I have not kept up with scripture study or temple attendance for many months now. I read a lot of things I consider to be uplifting, and I still pray, although it’s a little different these days.
I feel a very deeply rooted need to believe that this life is not all there is; that we humans matter and are eternal beings; that there is a God. For me, agnosticism is an empty choice. I like having the church as a groundwork in which I can teach my kids values and have a social network. My family and friends are, for the most part, LDS. Where my troubles creep in are with many of the teachings that I’m just not sure about anymore. I believe that Joseph Smith was sincere, although also flawed like everyone else. I think he made some big mistakes, and I think that we glorify him in the church sometimes to an unhealthy level. I believe that he had a transcendent experience, and was probably inspired. He did a lot of good. But I’m feeling more and more like we all have that same potential to be inspired, and I have doubts about our church necessarily being the one true path to God. I think all people can access God. I don’t understand why ordinances, and the “right” priesthood, matter so much. I think people who devote their time to great causes and love others are just as blessed and chosen as people in the church are.
I struggle in my mind with a lot of the cultural and some doctrinal issues, such as polygamy, race issues, gender issues, most of what is in the Old Testament, Pharisaical rules that seem to have no reason other than proving our faithfulness, the hammering in of obedience and following the prophet almost to the exclusion of critical thinking and asking questions, etc. (Wow, that sounds like a lot of issues doesn’t it??) It’s almost like a switch has been flipped in my brain and I just can’t turn it off. In many ways, it was so much easier to believe unquestioningly the way I once did. But no matter how much I pray for that, my questions remain. They aren’t questions that seem to have satisfactory answers.
I do think the church is well organized, and that ultimately we all have chances to help each other to learn and grow, and to encourage each other to live good values. I love the emphasis on family. I also agree that meeting together regularly helps to remind us of the good we should be doing. I believe that there is a spiritual realm.
I think we need to have a balance between logic and faith, not one to the exclusion of the other. I struggle because what if the thing you are supposed to have faith in is contradicted by your honest, logical (not preconceived) conclusion based on study and observation? I think that causes a lot of mental and spiritual anguish for some people (such as Jack). I don’t like that a lot of LDS people seem to think that atheists do not have morals. I think we are quick to try and offer people to learn from the truth that we have, but slow to try and learn from what other people have to offer.
For some people, faith is not a matter of choice. They believe, or they don’t, and it would be extremely difficult if not impossible for them to change their viewpoint. For others, faith is somewhat a matter of choice. Barak Obama gave what I think is a wonderful speech about his faith, and faith in politics, several months back. He grew up skeptical of organized religion, but eventually he did join a church. He said that he felt inspired and although he did not have a earth-shattering spiritual experience, he made a conscious choice that faith was a good thing, and that he felt God calling him to be a part of it. I really liked what he had to say in this speech. If you’re interested, you can listen to it here:
http://www.barackobama.com/tv/speeches.php
You have to scroll down to the speech called “Call to Renewal Speech”.
I feel in some ways that’s how my faith has changed. I am making a conscious choice to stay involved in the church and to try to keep connecting with God, not because I “know” that it is true, but because I see it as a net positive in my life, because it has helped me feel a connection with God and with other people, and because a lot of the other reasons I mentioned above. I am allowing myself more leeway to not always interpret things so literally, and to choose those doctrines that I will emphasize in my own life and with my kids.
I admire anyone who has the courage to look at their faith in a different way and to seek answers to hard questions. I know now how hard that can be! But testimonies that are struggled for are more valuable than those which have never been questioned. I’m still not sure where all of this is taking me, but if feels good to write out my thoughts. It helps me feel like it is ok not to know, but to continue living the best I can and learning as I go.
