How to tell Family…

For now, I have decided to be somewhat of a cafeteria Mormon. I am allowing myself take all of the things and teachings that I love, and to partake of them, while leaving undesirable things at the buffet table. My faith and hope in God, and my desire to participate in the community, are important to me. I choose to be a part of it, and to share my more unorthodox beliefs somewhat rarely and selectively with TBMs. I don’t have the desire to broadcast or make an issue of my disagreements and struggles with some church teachings. I choose to believe in God, and the LDS version is the one I know best and am most comfortable with. I believe it is a net positive in my life, as John Dehlin would say.

Jack (DH), however, is choosing a somewhat different path. He chooses to distance himself from the church and be less active, as he feels his time is better spent elsewhere and he is not particularly attached to the community. However, he, too, does not wish to broadcast his disaffection with his family or be on the offensive about it. He would rather they gradually become aware that his activity level has changed, and if they want to discuss church issues with him they are more than free to bring them up.

The only problem with this approach is that sometimes circumstances come up that may warrant an explanation. Jack was always a very active, very devout “Peter Priesthood” if you will. So standing outside at the temple, for example, at a sibling’s wedding, is going to make family members wonder. I personally would rather have them know that Jack struggles with doubts, than have them speculating that perhaps he has an immorality problem or something. At the same time, I don’t think we should have to air all of our concerns to the family.

Another problem I have is that while Jack is the one choosing to not participate, I am usually the one that gets asked the questions, and I don’t feel like his disaffection is really my story to tell. I talk to family members more often than he does, with the exception of his parents. They call about once a week to chat, and he has actually dropped a few rather large hints about his current feelings about the church, but they either haven’t picked up on them or they choose not to acknowledge them. They change the subject usually.

I guess I am worrying a little about a specific family event coming up. This summer our adoption of our youngest child should be finalized. We will not be doing a sealing as Jack does not have a recommend and does not plan to get one. Already relatives have asked about a sealing and so far I have been vague and then changed the subject. Both of our parents and siblings will be expecting a sealing and will be surprised that we’re not having one. So, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for questions I may get about it.

I’m going to try to type out a response that I might give to a parent or sibling when they ask me about the sealing. Ideally I wish I didn’t have to give any detail at all, but I feel that for some of these relationships, more is warranted than “We’re not going to have a sealing.” It will become the big elephant in the room if we don’t at least acknowledge it. And yes, I think it would be better coming from Jack than me, but I’m more likely to get the questions. And if I just tell them to ask him about it, they probably won’t. (Our families are very non-confrontational.) So that would cause more awkwardness. I feel that I need to be prepared to give at least a brief explanation, so that our family members will be more aware of our true situation. I think I will feel relieved to be able to be honest about it and have it more out in the open. Not too many details, but at least a general awareness, so that everyone can deal with it, move past it, grieve, ask Jack to give more detail, or whatever they need to do.

So pretend I’m on the phone with my sister, or sister in law and they ask when we’re going to have the sealing. “I don’t think we will be doing a sealing right now,” I will say. “It’s just, Jack hasn’t been as active in the church for the last little while. And I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. It’s not that he’s being lazy or sinful, but he has been struggling with belief for quite a while. As a scientist it’s always been hard for him to reconcile certain contradictions in his mind relating to religion. He’s done so much study and put so much thought into it, and he just looks at the world differently than he used to. He believes there is a lot of good in the church, but he doesn’t have the testimony of it that he used to, so he doesn’t feel comfortable answering the recommend questions.

“We’re doing well, though. It was hard for me at first when he told me about his doubts, but over time we’ve both come to terms with our differences in religious belief and practice. He is supportive of me, and I of him. He doesn’t want to be confrontational or try to convince everyone else to see things the way he does. I know it will be hard for some family members, and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he is just seeking truth in the way that comes most naturally to him, and being honest about how he feels.”

Too much? I know conversations have a way of steering themselves, so who knows what I will actually end up saying. I just like to be prepared. I hate that this has to cause awkwardness or pain. I hope when things play out, they will play out more smoothly than I imagine!

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